Today

Today was my mom's 66th birthday. I celebrated by getting a new van. I have guilt because I feel good having this new vehicle, but I also feel sad and I don't think I should feel so happy when I miss my mom so much.

I called the car dealership at 9am and the guy said that the car would be ready by 4pm, but call at 2pm to make sure. That made for an agonizing day of waiting around. Yesterday was agonizing enough, having to sit through a whole day waiting for today. I thought I could pick up the car this morning. Nope. So I played poker, thought about my mom, had a nap, played with the kids, and finally it was 2pm. I called. It would be ready by 4 or 4:30pm. I showered, dressed, thought about my mom some more, dressed the kids. At 4:30pm we loaded the kids into the car and away we went. I signed the ownership, we waited a few minutes while they put the licence plate and hubcaps on the van, and then they said it was ready! We drove home and explored our van. No ashtray. Ha. No lighter. Ha ha. There is a lighter socket though. Two actually. One in the dash and one way in the back, behind the 3rd row of seats. We installed the kids' carseats and marvelled at how little our backs hurt afterward. After a couple adjustments for legroom on Hayden's side, we were on our way to show off the van to my dad. It was really cute because we had told him we bought a mini-van and when he saw it, he commented that it was regular size. He thought it was going to be small. hehe! After a little bit at his house, we drove to the Superstore and I bought a bouquet of cut daffodils. I tied them with a purple ribbon and I wanted to bring them to my mom's grave. I had been imagining all day what that would be like. Probably snow covered, I figured. And I was right. There was crusty snow varying from 6" to 1.5' that I walked through from the drive to her grave area. When I was pregnant with Sage, I'd walked on crusty snow in our yard and I'd severely jarred my back from doing so. So bad I'd had to go to the hospital by ambulance and I missed a lot of work. This was going through my head while I made my way over to my mom. I made sure to stomp my foot through the icy crust before putting all my weight on the leading foot. I took my time, and I didn't give up, though it crossed my mind that if I wasn't doing something so important I would've probably given up. I got to where I remembered she was buried. Alas, her marker is flat, and I couldn't find it under the deep frozen snow. I cried and told her I couldn't find her, but that I'd brought her her favourite flowers for her birthday. I made a hole and "planted" the daffodils in the snow. I told her I missed her. I cried some more. I wondered if the people in the houses nearby could hear me crying, or if they were used to sad people being next to their back yards. I made my way back to the car, the going easier because I trod where the snow lay dinted. There was no heat in the very sod though, because I guess I'm not a saint. I had Good King Wenceslas and Marlene (whose favourite christmas carol that is) in my head on the way back. I think I might ask if I could plant a shrub next to her grave, because it would sure make it a lot easier to find next year.

After that, we had dinner and did some theraputic shopping. Our rug was horribly torn and shredded so we got a new one of those, and also our duvet had a huge rip in it, so we got a new quilt.

And now some photos. (The ratty chair is something else we need to replace. We'll get to it.)



I will be taking some more photos of the van during the day tomorrow. Stay tuned.